October: 31 days X 31 horror movie reviews- “Hellbound”

Day 21. There are combinations of things that go great together, peanut butter and jelly, Bonnie and Clyde, Erick B. and Rakim. Chuck Norris and the horror film genre however, are like mixing salt and a razor inflicted wound. “Hellbound” was released in 1994. This movie just goes to show that even when the atmosphere is supposed to be frightening, good ole Chuck isn’t above kicking bad guys in the face. Especially if the enemy is Satan’s right hand man. Aaron Norris, Chuck’s younger brother sits in the directors chair for this one. Chuck Norris plays ‘Sgt. Frank Shatter’. The cast also includes Calvin Levels as Shatter’s partner ‘Calvin Jackson’, and Christopher Neame as ‘Prosatanos’. A crawl of text, exactly how each of the “Star Wars” films begin, explaining about Satan’s emissary Prosatanos prowling the earth, is what sets “Hellbound” off. Another movie starting this way doesn’t look or feel right to me. We are then in the year 1186 A.D. Seeing King Richard and the crusaders during this intro reminded me of the game “Assassins Creed”. That’s where any semblance to the game ended though. Entering a tomb to rescue a baby who is on the verge of being sacrificed by Prosatanos, the crusaders attack. The fighting choreography along with the action sequences are bland and poorly lit. Not to mention the audio dubbing is really off. Performances were weak during these scenes and also unconvincing. In 1951 we are taken back to the tomb where a pair of thieves are determined to rob it. They inadvertently awaken the villain. Their deaths were almost comical. Prosatanos put his hand through one of the mens chest, making it humorously appear that he is planking. Cut to current day Chicago. Police Sgt. Frank Shatter, offscreen, is heard asking “Who is your supplier”. A moment later, we se him punching a man. The sound effect used for the hit sounded ridiculous. I literally laughed so loud when this occurred on screen. Shatter and his partner continue to harass the man utilizing the good cop bad cop routine. The acting is subpar at best. Prosatanos and a female companion are then in a cheap motel. I can’t stress enough how poor of a performance every single actor gives in this movie. “Hellbound” seems to take it self too serious, but it is so “tongue in cheek” that it feels like a comedy as opposed to it being categorized within the horror genre. To me it’s like it was shot in the 80′s, but was held back and released a decade too late. That’s not the case though. The lady of the night keeping Satan’s emissary company winds up thrown out of a window and lands on, yup you guessed it, the hood of Sgt. Shatter’s car. He, and his partner Calvin, go to check out what is going on and is bested by the creature, who is shot but subsequently escapes. Again the lighting is horrible in these scenes, with some of the...